April, and a guided conversation

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a guided message... 

iamu speaks: “still looking for something outside of yourself. still looking, waiting for someone to tell something – that one 'thing' that will make it all make sense. holding yourself apart, leaning against the wall at the dance, thinking someone will know what a nice, cool person you are, and come over and sweep you off your feet. still thinking that they will be so pleased with what they get, and you'll be so pleased to be that person. but still . . . waiting.

intellect. brains, mind. you 'know' all manner of things. you 'know' more than most people around you. you 'know' the mechanics of not just one system, but many; not just one realm, but many – business, technology, spirituality, sports, marketing, psychology...oh, my – what you 'know'.

and you lean against the wall, watching the dance in that dark room with the candles on folding tables around the edges, and the colored lights and the carpet and the acoustic tile and and the parquet dance floor. and you gaze off into the some distance that only you can see – it's closer than the nearest wall, but further than the sky – and you ask yourself questions. over, and over, and over, and over you ask yourself questions...the same questions. and you see its value in keeping people wondering, keeping them away. and you don't have answers, but that hasn't occurred to you yet. if you do have answers, you prefer to stay on the questioning side of equations. it's much more befitting of a pained, querulous philosopher.

you can stay insular, and remain insulated that way – so frightened of what might happen if you crack that shell. what would people say? but what are you missing, and what are they missing by not having you? what are you missing by not giving yourself?

you have so much to offer..._so_ much. where did this thick shell come from, anyway? it was not there when you were young and thoughtless and insensitive and bold and brash. you didn't know you couldn't fail. sure there were struggles and hard times – and yes, you took them personally, and to heart. and that might be where this shell started, and grew thin layers, one at a time. gradually the view became more and more opaque, the light more and more diffused and dim and you didn't really notice it.

what ever happened to confidence? wasn't that what gave you that power to be so brazen in the face of life and its ups-and-downs? you got bummed out, sure. but you were also unflinching in getting back up and mixing it up. you loved that expression when you came across it: 'fall down seven times, stand up eight'. and it was applicable, not just to you but to others. and you so generously handed it down, and most people so appreciatively accepted it in the spirit in which it was offered.

but did it ever strike you as odd that there was such an unevenness to the flow of life and spirit around you? didn't it seem odd that there was really almost no one bringing things to you that were life-giving and enriching? you did the work, you did the reading and the listening and the seminars and the tapes and the meetings, and on...and on... and then you handed off the information you had gathered and people were all so willing to smile at the knowing that had been handed them, and then walk away. did you ever wonder if it ever made a difference past that interchange moment?

and as you learned more and more, you became more and more weighed down by life and things seemed to become more murky and ambiguous. even as you searched, the way became less clear. or, did it? were you 'weighed down' or was that just 'life'?

why were you the one giving? did you not give enough – is that what made life feel so heavy, sometimes?

you know you also had a problem with receiving – that was almost impossible for you. the idea of being the one accepting – that was always difficult. it didn't matter what the venue, whether it was honest assistance in the workplace or family help, or gifts at a birthday or Christmas. It was always kind of a challenge to be the receiver – much harder than being the giver.

that was all about 'feeling'. that feeling of receiving made you feel vulnerable. you always liked being vulnerable – you enjoy so immensely being in a trusting relationship and surrendering and being exposed and vulnerable – physically and emotionally. but why, then, was this other kind of vulnerability such a stretch? it was so 'every-day', and it was easier to thicken the shell and just 'act' through the receiving, let it get over. and later, the beauty of receiving would be yours to savor amid the gifts, and seeing them over and over, each time you would celebrate them and the love behind them. but you celebrated quietly. and from the outside they may have wondered about your love, about your ability to convey love, and allow love. or, in fact, they may have loved you so much that none of this even mattered to them. that's more likely the case.

that's really what you were resisting, isn't it: allowing love. it scared you – still does. someone had gotten close to you when you were very young, and delivered several hard blows. they were never physical – that may have been easier, actually. they were emotional and spiritual. love – receiving love or giving love – got all bound up with that kind of abuse, and receiving 'things' and being the receiver got all bound up with that, too. it became easier and more efficient to keep people at arms length, be either funny or distant (depending on the person and the situation), introduce distraction or find ways to get out of the situation in the fastest means possible.

back to the inside of the pod, inside that shell that now had another thin layer across it.

your friend visited, and you heard words coming out of your mouth that were so convicting – words that spelled out exactly what it is that you're thinking nowadays. these words are formed and vetted in the cathedral that stands mind high on that lonely mountain of your thought. they echoed all around the place as you rumbled around inside by yourself.

but soon as you heard them pierce the air – soon as you saw the look on another human's face in response to some of these ideas, … well, you were kind of 'convicted', weren't you?

'where did these ideas come from?' you wondered. it was shocking, wasn't it? and hearing it – in your own house, from your own voice – you immediately found the 'feeling' kind of disgusting, didn't you? it wasn't 'right' for you, it wasn't fair for you, and it definitely was not good enough for you. but, at what level? is there more than one layer of you? one that lives in this cavernous, cold and empty structure and another layer - another person almost - living close to the ground, warm, moist, feeling.

and who gave permission to think like this? was it you? did you (or, __you__ ) ever actually sit down and think through the twisted, convoluted thoughts that led to these conclusions that it turns out you've been walking around with as if they are the truth?

back to the 'feeling' – it felt bad to hear you say these things. you would have been upset – angry even – if you had heard someone using that kind of language to describe someone you love. and yet, there you were: you talking about . . . you, and in the most denigrating, revolting terms. and you knew it was, after all, untrue.”

and iamu stops and looks into my eyes. i glance at cathar, who is also gazing at me. he glances towards iamu, then turning back to me, he speaks:

cathar: "there is no cathedral on a mountain. that is an illusion, one created and fostered and kept alive by you. its only purpose is to serve and strengthen these ideas of isolation and insulation.

every door is open to you.

mention is made of separate 'yous', of layers of you. it all implied a duality that can be there if you let it - and it is allowed by being separate from 'being'.

signs follow. they do not lead. the path is blazed before the signs are put in place. the road leads, the signs follow. the world - your world - contains the signs, the exhibition of what leads, of what has led you up to this point.

but, that we are talking means that the future is filled with potential. of course, that is one of the many things mentioned earlier that you 'know'.

your journey has been very wide. we have been with you since its inception, watching...some of us waiting. and now we're gathered here - this time at our calling, and not (as always before) at your calling. this time, we speak - and you listen. that is a change, won't you agree?

for you have summoned us. there is only one you. in all of eternity (or what your kind call, 'eternity') there is only one, single, solitary 'you'. you should see, by now, that this is a quality that is almost 'god-like'. as there is only one source, one god - and yet there is only one you. and here in this realm, this one you is on a mission, at a seminar, in apprenticeship, a squire - choose your metaphor - but all in all, your one-entity purpose is to know that one source from whence you came.

it has come to you recently that you are, in fact, this one source. you have seen it - that for eternity you evidently were-not, and then in one glorious explosive moment 'you' were. and you know in your human terms, that there will be that one glorious moment where you 'are not'. your teacher says, 'now, father, glorify me in the way we were glorified when i was with you before time was.' and you, because of your searching, because of those steps you described so onerously above, you were able one day recently to understand a little of what this means.

there is, you see, no 'then' and 'now' - there is only, 'is'. what you 'were' then, and what you 'will be' whenever, and what ... you ... are ... now are all one and the same.

you have come to this knowledge. and there is no other way, for you, that you could have reached this awareness than by the path you have chosen, and which you have followed.

sometimes, there was only the slightest glimpse of a way through the dense growth where you walked.

but you never turned back, and we watched you and as hard as it was for you, we admired you for your human-ness and for your resilience and persistence. your determination is notable too, but not really a factor in what we're discussing, as you were without a compass most of the time, without a clear direction or even an explanation of why you were choosing the direction you chose. your ego was always more vested in things like the 'fall down' metaphor - ways to rationalize to yourself and to the world your slippery grip on what seemed to be important things (which were really just illusions in the 'world of caesar').

your persistence and resilience, on the other hand, these were qualities of the spirit, and were telling in the way they surfaced when you needed them - guiding you through learning, through and around obstacles, and letting you see that tiny opening into the way and the path.

you have learned much - very much. and we have revealed even more than that, but you are able only to see what you know. the arrival and visit of your friend, and the illumination that accompanied it are steps in that regard.

the words that were used to describe yourself and your straits carried with them their own power, didn't they?('straits' as you call them - we don't view them as anything so unpleasant - you are eternal, don't forget; these things are just very, very temporary illustrative manifestations along the way, created by you, carried out in the physical realm by you in a wonderful ballet with the realm itself, and are gone as soon as you blink)

when you heard them with your own ears, you were convicted - that's such a good word for this.

but know this, also: you can change these words. you can change this conveyance of who it is you say you are, and guess what? your response will change, your world will change.

these ideas that reside so deeply in you color your thoughts, they color your feelings (most importantly). hearing this stream the other day, you were granted access to see not only what you are really thinking, but how powerful these hidden ideas are in forming your world in the physical realm.

speaking of layers, you awaken and feel invigorated and brimming over with ideas and energy and powerful 'feelings', don't you? and then as the day wears on, you start to encounter these other - completely orthogonal - ideas, very energy-draining and not happy. and what happens? your (guess what?) 'feelings' change.

listen long enough to those with you in the realm and try to decide if thought changes feeling, or if, coming from this hidden layer, feelings change thought. we think the fact is you can change them both. you experience a feeling that you don't like, and it becomes a thought: 'i don't like this'. and you change the thought by the power of your will, and the feeling changes: 'i like this a _lot_ better'.

'magnify the lord'. what does that mean to you? you are unique. you are one. but you are not _the_ one. watch for our guidance. watch for the signs that are all around you - all the time. you'll most readily come upon them remembering that they follow - they do not lead.

be the person. what is it that is important to that person? you say, 'money'. well, it's really the feeling of the money, isn't it? if you had a million dollars, but you were stranded on a small island with no running water, what would be the feeling of a million dollars? would it be stronger than, the same as, or weaker than the feelings around being alone on a tiny, uncharted island?